They call me The Cynic.

I have friends who fall in love so fast, so freely, so completely.

And I’ll be honest when I admit that I absolutely don’t understand how they do it.

This is most definitely NOT a criticism of that. I think I’m actually a little jealous of that trait, along with being fundamentally confused about it.

Unfortunately this doesn’t make me the most kind, receptive listener. I can’t understand being broken up over someone you just met. Disappointed? Of course. Totally crushed? I just don’t get it. I try to empathize, but quick intense relationships and corresponding heartbreak just isn’t something I’ve experienced.

I’m much more of the slow-roller type when it comes to getting into things.


– – – – – – – –

I was the girl in high school who never really pursued anything serious. It’s not that I didn’t date, go to dances, have crushes, and such. I just didn’t see the point of getting serious about someone at 17. I had clear cut dreams and goals and none of them involved following a boy or having one follow me. (I never understood the tv show Felicity.)

I was a practical, cynical high schooler in some ways. After all, statistically it is very unlikely that your high school sweetheart will the the one. And it seemed extra unlikely to me that I would find “forever love” in my tiny little po-dunk high school. There was a whole wide world out there. I wasn’t going to be held back by puppy love.

Who thinks that in high school, huh? Who refuses to let things get even high school serious because it doesn’t make sense?

I guess all I am saying is that cautious, practical tendencies in romance have long been my norm, even mixed in with my fundamentally optimistic and anything can happen and que sera attitude.

Model Fall

– – – – – – – –

Has this held me back in love? I’m sure it has. My walls don’t come down quickly, I play my cards very close to the chest and most likely have failed to make my feelings know due to my reserve.

Not that I am a reserved person in any normal sense, just the romantic sense. My surface is bright and open and free to pretty much anyone. But getting much deeper than that is a slow process.

So I fake people out. I seem to be an open book. But I’m really not.

I’ve never been totally swept away in a whirlwind romance of intense passion and love.

(Unless you count my love for NYC and snorkeling.)


– – – – – – – –

I’m not completely without romantic adventure in my past. I’ve taken risks, I’ve done dumb things, I’ve “put it out there” and “taken a chance on love”, yes. I’m not a hopeless cause. But it takes a lot for me to really REALLY fall for someone. I always keep a bit of me protected and in reserve.

It’s probably one of my biggest faults in love.

I don’t know how to let go of control of me that easily.

Or at all.

Via: tumblr
Via: tumblr

One thought on “They call me The Cynic.

  1. Hello 😀 I’m actually one of those people who tend to fall hard and fast. Maybe it’s true that the grass always seems greener on the other side but I always envy people who can do it so calmly and cautiously. I recently tried to date a man like that. While it was great that he kept me grounded and slowed me down, it was definitely difficult. I was always anxious and I used a lot of disclaimers. LOL. Maybe it’s good that you have so much control 😀

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