9 Things You Should Definitely Not Buy. Ever.

There are many gadgets and accessories and do-dads and whatnot’s that you can buy to make life easier/better/more awesome.

These nine items are not those.

These are not things you need in your life.

Just say no.

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#1  –  Extra Fingers for your Phone

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I know I find the prospect of holding my phone up or propping it up with a nearby book or glass or any other item completely overwhelming. Good thing they make special suction attachments for this very purpose. In creepy realistic looking dismembered fingers too. Fun for the whole family.

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#2  –  TV Time for Kitten

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I was only at Cat-Lady Level 1 until I discovered this video. It was story-boarded, shot, edited, and produced specifically to be an entertainment video for cats. Why have I been forcing my poor kitten to be entertained by toys, thumbtacks and lots of windows?

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#3  –  Popped Collars for Posture

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You know what else is really hard, guys? Using your muscles to hold your head and shoulders up. Like, all the time. If only there was a collar to help train my dumb body to hold itself up….

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#4  –  Neon Shaving Goop

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Now I don’t have to shave my face. But I bet it would be more fun if I was smearing neon colored shaving cream all over my stubbly visage. How has any guy survived the terrible process without fun colors?

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#5  –  The Comfort of a Dismembered Torso Pillow

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I constantly feel alone as a single woman, it is true. But then I woke up in the middle of the night cuddling with my boyfriend arm pillow and remembered, at least I’m not waking up next to the dismembered arm of someone I love.

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#6  –  Bacon- Flavored Floss

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I couldn’t even come up with a cute title for this one but I’m not sure my dentist will approve….

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#7  –  Fake Hair for Hipster Wanna-bes

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The good news is, you can currently get a steal of a deal on Groupon for this. But you shouldn’t. Please. Don’t.

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#8  –  A Selfie Stick for Sad People

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I’m not a huge advocate for the selfie-stick, and not just because of it’s lame name. But this takes that to a new level. A very very sad level. There is nothing wrong with being alone, people.

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#9  –  The Ability to Sleep on Nicolas Cage’s Face

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Because why would you ever want to…. nevermind. I take it back.

These pillowcases are awesome.

See ya, off to buy like 12 of these, stat.

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