Guys, I’m officially in a rut.
No, that isn’t truly accurate. I don’t feel like I’m repeating the same activities all the time. I do feel like I am falling into a box though, a box with raising walls and lessening views of the horizon.
And I want out.
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It’s interesting how friendships work. Girls like to joke about their menstrual cycles syncing up when you are really good friends. Its funny but often factual. We start to vibe and correspond with those we spend the most time with. Mannerisms, figures of speeches, a propensity to send ridiculous random photos to each other… these habit are picked up and mirrored and repeated.
Lately I have felt as if many of my friends have synced up in things going on in their lives, but not necessarily in a positive way. Boys and romance (or lack thereof) seem to be the focus as of late. And legitimately, as my friends have had some heart-wrenching experiences lately pertaining to matters of the heart.
But the focus seems to have spread to all of them. And I don’t think this is good for me.
I’m not saying romance and finding a life partner isn’t important. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk about it, most particularly with your girlfriends. I am certainly not saying its a side of my friends that I don’t care about.
It’s just not everything.
(I know, I’m a broken record having written this post not that long ago.)
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Like a case of chickenpox, I feel like I am coming down with this infliction. I have started focusing too much on looooove in my own life. To be sure, this isn’t normal for me. It’s not common. And to be frank, it brings out a side of me I do not like at all.
It’s a side of me that feels like just me isn’t good enough. It’s the element within me that sprouts a seed of insecurity with every tinder guy who doesn’t match me back. It’s a thought that grows that I am doing something wrong. That I suck at this game. That I am losing at the game of life.
It’s the part of me that worries I won’t find a life partner because I just adopted a kitten. Seriously.
This version of me isn’t acceptable. Not to me. Not at all.
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I just feel a little off right now, malcontent and antsy and ugh. That’s the word I was looking for… just UGH. For a generally happy and content girl, this is a terrible sensation. So I would like to fix it, dear blogosphere. Now, please.
So what’s a girl to do? How do I get out of this box that’s raising walls around me (of my own making) but exists only within myself?
Run away? Nope, have to be a mature adult… plus the fact that I have tried that game a million times and we all know that it doesn’t really work.
Ditch all my friends? No to that as well. After all, this isn’t really about them or what they are going through. It is about how I am processing it and letting it affect me. Plus I really like my friends.
So the solution I think I have settled upon is this… To fix it, I have to break the cycle before it actually becomes one. Nip it in the bud, if you will.
I have to make my own diversity within the box I call life. Find adventure, try new things, meet new people, branch out. Push on those walls a bit until like I feel I’ve gotten me back. The me that is building a wonderful life for me. The me that is content in me and the pretty freaking spectacular life I lead. (The me that is so modest.)
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My philosophy has always been to create a happy and fulfilling life for me as me. The life I want. And if I can meet someone wonderful and their life works with mine, well then great! That’s a happy bonus. Not a necessity.
(I complete me? Ugh, that sounded suspiciously motivational poster-y. Which isn’t my style. But you get the gist.)
I won’t let that philosophy change. I’m going to right this ship before it even has a chance to collect any water.
I’m even stubborn enough to succeed.