Looking Stoned For Spring

Ahhhhhh, Spring is in the air!

No, literally.  It’s in the air. Spring, with all its blooming and flowering and general Spring-ing, is blowing around in the actual air and into my respiratory system.

As a fun “Yay you are now 30!” present, Mother Nature decided that this is the year I should finally have ridiculously terrible allergic reactions to Spring.

Or at least to the blooming trees for the last week or so.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

And here’s a chart! See how bad it is right now?

via: weather.com
via: weather.com

Charts never lie, right?

Still don’t believe me?

Well lets take a quick little look at this Pollen Map I found online.

Via: weather.com
Via: weather.com

Not looking great, huh?

(And as a friendly reminder, I currently live here:)

pollen weather map2

RIGHT HERE:

pollen weather map3

Yeah.

So let’s talk about all the lovely things that a red allergy zone apparently does to me, shaaaaaaaaaaaaall we?

(Meant to be said in the voice of Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc, if you please. Just FYI.)

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1:  I SOUND LIKE A CHAIN SMOKER:

Allergies combined with the inherent dry air in Denver have come together to give me one hell of a scratch-tastic voice.  (I just made that word up.)

And not the “Sexy Sick Voice That Pheobe Got That One Time In Friends” sort of raspy voice. Nope, I have the one that has turned my typically dulcet tones into the scratching of a 8-pack-a-day chain smoker, constant clearing of throat and all.

Not. Hot.

via: youtube.com
via: youtube.com

(I am also genuinely concerned that this is a real thing. Not cool, Indonesia. Not cool at all.)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

2:  I ACT LIKE A COCAINE ADDICT:

(Cocaine is the drug you snort, right? I should have Googled this.)

I might also have to clarify this text I sent the other day. I really did just want a soda, I swear.

photo

Allergies have gifted me with a tickley nose.

That and the constant urge to pick it. Which I resist. I promise. I am not a two year old.

The constant sniffling.
And the itching.
The scratching at the sides.
The frenetic rubbing of my nose.
Itch, sniff, scratch, sniff, rub, sniff deeply, repeat repeat repeat.  

Which summarizes into the concern that I look like a cocaine-snorting, nose picker. Not a great combo.

Via: thesun.co.uk
Via: thesun.co.uk

(Though the Dalai Lama can scratch his nose and make it look chill. I should work on this.)

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3:  I LOOK STONED: 

And my favorite part – the perma-red eyes. I must look like I am super stoned constantly. And living in Colorado, well, let’s just say that peoples first assumption is perhaps no longer allergies ever since legalization on January 1st…

Via: ryanseacrest.com
Via: ryanseacrest.com

(Or I look like a vampire… Clearly it must be one of the two)

This is one of those cases that I think having contacts isn’t helpful.

It goes a little something like this:

  • My eyes get dry and itchy from allergies.
  • I rub them.
  • My contacts get dry / irritated because my eyes are dry /itchy.
  • I rub them more.
  • And repeat. Ad nauseum.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The moral of the story is that no matter how much I adore the fact that it is Spring and things are coming back to life (and volleybally is starting woot!), there are some distinct disadvantages now that my body had decided to join the “Spring Allergy” game.

And as a fully participant. Like all in. No half measures for this girl.

 

In conclusion, I would love to tell you all that I feel like this:

via: cutestpaw.com
via: cutestpaw.com

But I don’t I don’t.

Not at all.

I think the plants are trying to kill me.

via: lubbockonline.com
via: lubbockonline.com

Or at least make me look like I have some SERIOUS drug problems.

Awesome possum.

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Aaaaand, one more chart just to be overdramatic.

Via: pollen.com
Via: pollen.com

 

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One thought on “Looking Stoned For Spring

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