My Superhero Power is “Human EMP”

Sometimes I feel powerful, like everything I touch turns to “oh my gosh, what is happening with this machine? Why did the screen just go blank?! Fatal error? Is that bad? Why is it beeping!?!

Everything I touch, especially technology, turns to broken.

Seriously.

Via: forums.roberspaceindustries.com
Via: forums.roberspaceindustries.com

I am the queen of “Errors the IT Guys Have Never Heard Of.” If only they made a crown for such a thing.

I am the champion of walking by light-posts and having them go dark, the master of the automatic soap dispenser won’t work, the duchess of glitches and crashes and fails.

I am where perfectly functioning electronics go to die.

I used to get shocked quite often as well. I used to joke it was my electric personality, but I believe that was mostly a bad pun/excuse for an inability to lift before stepping while walking. Amazingly this has been much less of a problem since I took flip-flops out of my wardrobe. Huh.

I am a Human Electromagnetic Pulse, with the ability to corrupt technology across platforms and mediums and space.

(I feel like this is/should be a superhero/villain somewhere in the world…)

In my office, I am known as the destroyer of Battery Backup Systems. I think I am cut off from any new ones. Now every time I hear that terrible beeping indicating a battery failure, I flinch  and hide and cross my fingers that it isn’t mine. It’s straight-up Pavlovian at this point.

And working with tech is kind-of the basis of my entire profession. I mean, I spend all day modeling and animating ON A COMPUTER. It’s not just Microsoft Word I am playing with, guys… it’s fairly legit, sophisticated, powerful software.

So it’s not as if I don’t understand how computers work.

There was only one time that I spilled an entire hot chocolate into a laptop. It still functioned, but working made me hungry for weeksmmmm… chocolate computer…

Is it possible to just be inherently unlucky with technology? Is this a sign from the heavens that I was destined to be Amish or was born into the wrong century?

More importantly, is there any way I can market this into a skill to make me cash-money?

Anyone have any tech they would like destroyed?

(I should also confess that I only know what an EMP is because of the Ocean’s 11 reboot.  See, sometimes Hollywood DOES teach us useful things!)

Via: angrytorro.com
Via: angrytorro.com
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2 thoughts on “My Superhero Power is “Human EMP”

  1. I used to think light posts went dark when I passed by too, both walking and driving. Maybe this really is a thing, although I’m okay with electronics. It’s just light posts that I seem to have a power over!

    1. I really do wonder what the light post thing is about, and am glad to hear I am not alone. I swear there is a city engineer somewhere putting reverse motion sensors on these things just to mess with us!
      (Always freaks me out alone at night though.)

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