That’s not ok, cupid.

I am not sure that I translate accurately onto the internet. (she says while writing a blog)

In the last two years, I have yet to have any real luck with online dating. A couple months ago I decided to just bag the whole thing and hope for a  real life meet-cute to do the trick. However, with the strong encouragement of a well-meaning friend, I recently, very tremulously, joined the online dating experience that is OkCupid.

via glamour.com

I’m not interested in finding a hook up, and the mentality of lazily seeking a one night stand through the internet is entirely unappealing to me. Before Tinder definitively stole the title of hook-up central, OkCupid had a bit of a reputation. Unlike eHarmony or Match, it’s totally free to join, see photos and send messages.  Without any monetary barriers, free dating websites have been known to collect a more, well lets say diverse range of personalities.

But hey, maybe I needed to branch out. I figured the worst that could happen is acquiring new dating horror stories for entertaining others, right?

Well, I have been VERY disappointed thus far, mostly dealing with seemingly grounded, nice guys and dodging only the occasional blatant hook-up request. Yawn.

Until, out of the blue, I struck gold. Honestly, I might as well quit OkCupid right now because I can’t imagine getting a more amazing message from a more spectacular profile. Let me break it down for ya’ll, since there is a whole lot of awesome to take in.

(I blurred the image and removed details to protect this fine gentleman’s identity)

Let us begin with his message to me…

• Oh wow! He wrote me a poem! How sweet and romantic and vague enough to be sent to every single girl on this website!
• I don’t know about being kept warm “like a woolen fleece”, but I have heard worse.

Lets zoom into the end just a little bit, shall we?

• Umm, “Pope of Pleasure”? Oh wait, I get it… he’s a nice religious boy! My proverbial Catholic family will be so happy.

To his profile page! A name and photo oozing personality, yet I begin to grow concerned…

• Three Things:

1. (His profile name has been blanked out because I have some sense of decency.) While it’s not the actual spelling of female anatomy starting with V, the implied reference is undeniable. Does one really want to associate with a destroyer of that?
2. For my own protection, he is wearing sunglasses so I am not memorized by the intensity of his gaze? And yes, he is wearing a fedora. A better exploration into the perils of dating a fedora wearing man can be found here. But it’s not promising.
3. OkCupid literally matched us as zero anything. ANYTHING. It makes it pretty clear we should not be in each others lives in any way, shape or form. Or he is a ghost.

Now to get into his personality, and perhaps some there is some potential?

• Lets just take a minute to let that sink it…. contain your squeals, ladies! Because I FOUND ONE! An actual, self-proclaimed BRONY! And he wants to date ME!!! It’s pretty much like nabbing a unicorn. Try to contain your jealousy.
• Also, having nothing in common with me regarding politics and philosophy? Bonus!

A little more on that…

• Nothing like some old fashioned misogyny to get a girl excited. Particularly an independent Northwestern girl. I certainly didn’t want an equal partnership in a relationship, after all. We must be meant to be.
• Or maybe he just wants to clarify that he is in fact a man, and not a fictional cartoon horse? That is nice to know.

Back off world, he’s a career man and he’s all mine:

• Ummm, I mean, at least he is very specific about his aspirations? Very, mind-blowingly, singularly specific.

Admittedly, I couldn’t scroll any further down the page. It was too much to handle.

We will have a very stable relationship and no one will reign on our love parade. Don’t try and stirrup any trouble out of jealousy. I would keep talking but my voice is getting a little horse. (Really horrible puns. Sorry, I’m not sorry.)

I will see you all at the wedding.

Here is the overall profile and message if you want to take it all in at once: