I am not sure that I translate accurately onto the internet. (she says while writing a blog)
In the last two years, I have yet to have any real luck with online dating. A couple months ago I decided to just bag the whole thing and hope for a real life meet-cute to do the trick. However, with the strong encouragement of a well-meaning friend, I recently, very tremulously, joined the online dating experience that is OkCupid.
I’m not interested in finding a hook up, and the mentality of lazily seeking a one night stand through the internet is entirely unappealing to me. Before Tinder definitively stole the title of hook-up central, OkCupid had a bit of a reputation. Unlike eHarmony or Match, it’s totally free to join, see photos and send messages. Without any monetary barriers, free dating websites have been known to collect a more, well lets say diverse range of personalities.
But hey, maybe I needed to branch out. I figured the worst that could happen is acquiring new dating horror stories for entertaining others, right?
Well, I have been VERY disappointed thus far, mostly dealing with seemingly grounded, nice guys and dodging only the occasional blatant hook-up request. Yawn.
Until, out of the blue, I struck gold. Honestly, I might as well quit OkCupid right now because I can’t imagine getting a more amazing message from a more spectacular profile. Let me break it down for ya’ll, since there is a whole lot of awesome to take in.
(I blurred the image and removed details to protect this fine gentleman’s identity)
Let us begin with his message to me…
- Oh wow! He wrote me a poem! How sweet and romantic and vague enough to be sent to every single girl on this website!
- I don’t know about being kept warm “like a woolen fleece”, but I have heard worse.
Lets zoom into the end just a little bit, shall we?
- Umm, “Pope of Pleasure”? Oh wait, I get it… he’s a nice religious boy! My proverbial Catholic family will be so happy.
To his profile page! A name and photo oozing personality, yet I begin to grow concerned…
- Three Things:
- (His profile name has been blanked out because I have some sense of decency.) While it’s not the actual spelling of female anatomy starting with V, the implied reference is undeniable. Does one really want to associate with a destroyer of that?
- For my own protection, he is wearing sunglasses so I am not memorized by the intensity of his gaze? And yes, he is wearing a fedora. A better exploration into the perils of dating a fedora wearing man can be found here. But it’s not promising.
- OkCupid literally matched us as zero anything. ANYTHING. It makes it pretty clear we should not be in each others lives in any way, shape or form. Or he is a ghost.
Now to get into his personality, and perhaps some there is some potential?
- Lets just take a minute to let that sink it…. contain your squeals, ladies! Because I FOUND ONE! An actual, self-proclaimed BRONY! And he wants to date ME!!! It’s pretty much like nabbing a unicorn. Try to contain your jealousy.
- Also, having nothing in common with me regarding politics and philosophy? Bonus!
A little more on that…
- Nothing like some old fashioned misogyny to get a girl excited. Particularly an independent Northwestern girl. I certainly didn’t want an equal partnership in a relationship, after all. We must be meant to be.
- Or maybe he just wants to clarify that he is in fact a man, and not a fictional cartoon horse? That is nice to know.
Back off world, he’s a career man and he’s all mine:
- Ummm, I mean, at least he is very specific about his aspirations? Very, mind-blowingly, singularly specific.
Admittedly, I couldn’t scroll any further down the page. It was too much to handle.
We will have a very stable relationship and no one will reign on our love parade. Don’t try and stirrup any trouble out of jealousy. I would keep talking but my voice is getting a little horse. (Really horrible puns. Sorry, I’m not sorry.)
I will see you all at the wedding.
Here is the overall profile and message if you want to take it all in at once: