I am having an old school Destiny’s Child moment, and reveling in the lovely and profound gospel of the following lyrics:
“Say my name, say my name. If no one is around you, Say baby I love you If you ain’t runnin’ game”
(Also the video is pretty sick. I heart me some classic Bey and crew)
But there is an real message within the sily lyrics… calling someone you love them by their name gives an undeniable specificness to your declaration of adoration. Nicknames, especially generic, provide for a distancing and vagueness that could encompass any SO. A name doesn’t lie or give allowance.
(Unless you have one of those super common names and I guess you could get caught up in a relationship of multiple Johns or Lindseys. In which case, um, sorry?)
I wonder then if there is something to be psychoanalyzed about my propensity to give hyphenated descriptors versus actual names when storytelling about potential suitors. Is it a simple way to keep track while roaming the internet-dating field? Or does it hint at a distancing… a desire to keep them at a nicknames length before I get hurt?
Either way, its become a dual habit and source of entertainment. Without further ado, I would like to present to you a handful of the best characters I have dated (or almost dated) in the past two years. Drum roll please…
On the brink of turning thirty years old, M leaves NYC and moves to Denver, Colorado. Over a two year period of adjustment, challenges and adventures, she encounters a varied and eclectic series of crushes, dates, boyfriends and general misfits.
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
- M. Our heroine and main protagonist, attempting to get into the dating scene after the end of a long relationship and a move to a new city. Has a propensity to smile, a love of dancing and a complete unawareness for when she is being hit on.
- INDIANA JONES. Named so for similarity in name with the actor, Raiders of the Lost Ark is his theme song. Late 30’s outgoing guy, he is the first romantic relationship for M since moving to Colorado. Too many fundamental differences will doom the romance but provide a positive catalyst for M re-entering the dating pool.
- OIL-RIG-GUY. Named as such for his profession and lack of other defining passions. Hangs on for several months but fails to find a dating middle ground with M with his bi-monthly off-the-grid vs totally-available-and-bored work schedule. Struggles with letting go of relationship and sends a running series of “how’s it going” Facebook messages for many, many months after the bell has rung.
- PEANUT. Guy next door type with a link to M‘s past. Visits from out of town and establishes an instant connection with M. Continues to pop up from time to time in a friendly, undefined role keeping our protagonist hopeful for the future.
- ORLANDO. Nickname origin unknown, friend-of-friend divorced “relationship guy” endures unfortunately timed “friend-zoning” by M and destroys several friendships. Marries next girl after dating M and lives happily ever after.
- CALL-ME-MAYBE. Proactive, outgoing guy who approaches M at a bar and scores digits with his easy charm. Proceeds to conduct a six-week long texting/calling interaction without ever committing to an in-person date. Eventually gets put aside by a bored/exasperated M.
- HARRY POTTER. Charismatic but tragically height-challenged man with political aspirations. Encounters M speed-dating and aggressively pursues several dates before performing a classic fade-out.
- REALLY BAD KISSER GUY. Early 30’s, many things in common with M, he challenges her to rethink her tall-guys-only dating prejudice. Alas, his kissing methodology is wholly defined by the pressing together of closed lips as seen in old b&w movies. Chemistry lacking, the relationship fails.
- OVER-EAGER BOY. An early 20’s nerdy nice guy actively online dating with a propensity to go for hail-mary (aka overaggressive) goodbye kisses on first dates without encouragement. Opposite method than Really-Bad-Kisser-Guy, but not in a good way. Recontacts M six months later asking for a second chance. Is told no.
- BABY-FACE. Adorable young Architect, age undetermined. Encounters M in a professional capacity and shares many playful conference calls. Sends mixed signals and may or may not ask her out before business relocates him.
- TALL-VOLLEYBALL-DUDE. Self-explanitory. Provides aesthetic enjoyment and awkward high five vs hug flirtation fails before the volleyball season ends.
- MONKEY BOY. Athletic mid-twenty’s guy with shared mutual friends and a propensity for climbing trees. Engages in vague flirtations before revealing a recently acquired GF and stays in the casual acquaintance/friendzone.
Sometimes I feel I am the Oprah of dating, but instead of cars I am giving away multi-hyphenated one-dimensional descriptors of guys…. And YOU get a nickname, and YOU get a nickname!
There’s a huge part of me that believes in the Shakespeare version of this whole thing. At the end of the day, a guy by any other name will have just as much potential for creating a lasting relationship with me. He will smell just as sweet as any so-called rose.
So I will keep my habit of kinda-secret nicknames for any future Mr. M‘s. It’s harmless and a good way to entertain all my married and settled-down friends. And if it keeps me a little distant at the start of new interactions and relationships? Well, I think it’s okay to ease into things. I will just say that it’s part of my quirky charm or something.
Maybe it’s become my own personal seal of commitment in any relationship… after all, you know if I refer to a man by his given name I MUST really be serious about him!