Empty seat, empty wallet

Ah airplane travel… The great un-equalizer, with the same destination yet still divided into classes. “Oh, you are Boarding Group 3? How pedestrian.”

Me and my last-boarding-group-self struck gold on my flight last night. I speak of a feat as illusive as spotting a white leopard in the Himalayas, or a four leaf clover in a field of daisies…. I had an empty seat next to me. There is something so magical about an empty middle seat. Yes, it mostly remains no-man’s-land for the outside occupants, but there is a renewed freedom in the recirculated air. There is, after all, the potential option to spread out. Use two tray tables if you want to get crazy. The possibilities are (not really) endless and it filled my heart with a sense of hope and privilege and the feel that someone up there wants good things to happen for me. (Imagine my flight of fancy if I was ever to get a whole row to myself? The universe might not be able to stand it.)

So it was with this mindset of bonus luxury and goodwill that I spent both take-off and landing (when my entirely digital means of entertainment are not allowed) pursuing the strange and magical world of SkyMall magazine. And let me tell ya, I found some treasures that could empty your wallets pretty darn fast. Let me share some of the highlights with you:

01:  Shoe Wine Holder $36.99 – ‘Cause nothing says serious sport fan like displaying your Pinot Grigio in a ceramic, sparkling shoe.

Wine Shoe Holder

02: Mounted Squirrel Head $24.95 – This says I am all tough and rugged and outdoorsy, I think. (Disclaimer: Not a real squirrel)

Mounted Squirrel Head

03: Mobile Massage System $99.95 – Doubles as a TMNT Halloween Costume!

Mobile Massage System

04: Wall-Mounted Cat Tree  $115.99 – Your cat clearly will be able to tell this is a special toy designed just for them and not, say, a regular wall mounted book shelf.

Wall-Mount Cat Tree

05: The Big Pitcher $229.95 – I just thought this was an ugly water fountain. It apparently adds extra oxygen into your water. Huh.

The Big Pitcher

06: Humunga ‘Stache Dog Toy $12.95 – Aren’t we over ironic mustaches yet? No?

'Stache Dog Toy

07: Torso Toner $60.00 – Okay, for a second I thought this was a shirtless man. But on second look, it’s what every guy has been waiting for… male spanx for his beer belly. Not weird at all.

Torso Toner

08: Life-Size Anubis Statue $1,250.00 – Goes with any decor. And such a bargain.

Anubis Statue

09: Harry Potter Remote Control $49.00 – The snob in me says no, but the nerd in me says YES!

HP Remote Control

So for some pretty reasonable prices, you can be the fancy, jet-setting owner of the aforementioned treasures.

You are welcome.

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